I was cutting two caulis and a cabbage as Danny appeared out of the bushes. “Did you get an invite”? he was always quick off the mark and I told him that we had. He called my caulis, criticised my cabbage and then having said he”d see us there, disapeared as quick as he”d arrived. Weddings always seem to effect him that way . Our main concern when we are invited is have we got 150 Euros to accept.! That’s the main problem with wedding invitations...they are going to cost you. Its not just the cost to the Bride and Groom its all the drink that adds up over the day. This wedding is at 3.00pm at the church....................that means 1pm in the bar. The church will take a 2 hour lump out of the day and if you decide not to attend but wait for after the church then you have another 2 hours of drinking to get through before going into the reception. We tried the route via the church service...just the once. It was in July and as the service finished the organist played Jingle Bells as we filed out!! We all reckoned that the organist was in the Bar before the church.
The venue for this wedding was in the hall near the bazora bins in Herrera. The guests numbered just under 800 which is the max the place will hold. The hundreds of tables were laid out with prawns, salami. Cheese, bread, 2 litre jugs of beer, 2 bottles of white and the same of red, and huge displays of flowers. Most of the guests were in singing mood even as they were just sitting down to eat.! The normal procedure from this point is for one of the family members of the bride to stand up and welcome one and all and invite us all to come up to the table and congratulate the Bride and groom..................actualy....in English it means “come up and pay up”!!! one of the family members keeps a record as you go up as to who it is and how much has been payed.....Surprises me they don’t employ an accountant!!
Well, that’s really all there is to it.................except for Maria Antonia Gomez. She suddenly climbed on the table and screamed at the top of her voice that one of the blokes on the family table had not paid her husband for the building work he had done.....and owed him 2460Euros. So, about 780 fo;k suddenly went quiet. Maria Antonia was not kidding in fact it looked at that point that the Grooms table was about to be attacked by a very irate 18 stone of woman.
Maria had one rather large problem that she had obviously not included in the equation..............she was as p....sed as a newt and was finding it difficult to remain upright. Husband was trying to persuade her to get down....pitty he didn’t explain how! So she decided that she could no longer hold that position and suddenly assumed he position of a bull fighter kneeling in front of the bull....most dramatic! Some of the crowd cheered, many clapped in appreciation of a woman prepared to die for a cause!!!!!!!!!!!!not being sure what, or if, there was a cause but a few beers and an odd bottle of wine can persuade you to clap or cheer at anything! Husband, once again to the rescue, tried to pull her upright but only succeeded in causing her to fall over backwards. She was now lying flat out on the table...among the prawns. She had passed out, and many of the folk with tables at the far side thought she was dead and started to cross themselves. I heard someone say “ will somebody close her legs” and another young blood said “ for Gods sake put some flowers in em” and so the gap was plugged. The next stage was to get her out and away. The old bloke at the end of the table came out with his solution, which was adopted because nobody else had any thoughts after all the boose.
Fold the table cloth over her feet and tie it tight....stage 2... pull it up at her head end and tie it off under her chin.
Then suddenly we had old man No. 2 who said he was an undertaker and could go home for a trolley. This was turned down by the husband who then hit the undertaker and said his wife was not dead...just resting! Enter the owner of the venue who insisted that that the body, live or dead, had to be removed. As the table was rested on two trestles, all that was needed was 6 strong Spanish sober men to pick Maria up. With 18 stone plus boose plus a table top volunteers were hard to find but when the venue boss said 50 Euros to each man you had to move very quick or get trampled on.
So Maria Antonia Gomez made her way through the exit. Some folk cheered, some clapped, most crossed themselves as they were convinced she was dead! The 6 blokes carried her through the now reopened double doors and awaited the car to take her home...............only being a builder it turned out to be a truck. And so Maria was slid along the floor as the cement and bricks were moved............................another wedding and a happy ending!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Tripple H.
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